My E-Commerce StoryPart One
This is Mr. Sudafed, or one of his roomates, I'm not sure. Monday: Patrick mentions to his coworker Ryan about the odd line of events that occurred on the previous evening. Ryan: -yeeeahh, we should have fired those people a long time ago. Patrick explains the business opportunity he's been summoned to. Ryan: Haha watch, it'll be some pyramid scheme. Patrick: Yeah that's what I was thinking too. I doubt it though... _______ Mr. Sudafed makes sure Patrick is still coming to the meeting, as it is very important that everyone arrives on time. Mr Subaru from Detroit does not have much time to spare, Mr Sudafed explains, and time for him is invaluable! Two of these phone calls are made. (This is rather suspectful. Patrick hopes he isn't about to be involved in some crime.) _______ After conquering the storm and landing his automobile safely in a parking lot, Patrick walked toward the apartment complex wherein his scheduled meeting was to take place. Not too aware of what this "business opportunity" would entail, he was neither nervous nor at ease about the curious events to come. _______ Patrick rapped on the door three times. It is sprung open and Mr Sudafed is there, dressed in a most professional business attire. Patrick almost feels a little out of place, not wearing a business suit. Looking across the apartment room, 2 rows of metal chairs and a couch are lined up facing the front of the room. There, a television is set up, as if it is anxiously waiting to be watched by a crowdful of people. _______ Besides himself and Mr. Sudafed, two more inhabitants of the apartment walk about the room. It turns out that these residents are also in business suits, each introducing himself and ready to talk about everything from the weather to sports. It is explained all too many times to Patrick just what Cricket exactly is. A sport. One of the two can't stop asking Patrick where he is from, and with the coming of more audience members, the question is repeated several more times. Eventually 7 more guests are trucked in, as Mr. Sudafed has kindly driven them with his own means of transportation. Patrick now recalls how Mr. Sudafed had insisted upon driving him, regardless of the fact that Patrick only lived a short while away. _______ The other two folks in suits are found to be Sudafed's roomates. They carry on conversations with the imported guests throughout the room. Every so often, something is mentioned or said about Mr. Subaru: "He likes to help students from WMU. Mr. Subaru is a very helpful man." Any questions about the business are diverted by the reply, "Wait until Mr. Subaru gets here. He'll explain EVERYTHING." Inbetween the small-talk, more wish-wash is snuck in about the business, "this business idea is exploding! Soon, EVERYONE will be doing it." And then a couple random names are spewed out, "such and such are involved in this business and are now MILLIONAIRES." And with such quotable gems like these being blurted out once more, the VCR is wired up and a blank video tape is shoved in. _______ The video is finally started. It is pointless and vague. There is no title, there are no ending credits. It is an argument without a conclusion. It is a joke without a punchline. It is a commercial for nothing. It begins with some dribble about the computer being agreed upon as the 20th century's greatest invention. It then provokes the audience with a taunt, "so are you going to sit around and waste away? Or are you going to use the internet to make money!?" It presents the audience with a list of 4 options toward meeting their goals, since of course, everyone has the same goals according to the writers of the video, first and foremost being to "MAKE MONEY!" Of course, the listed options for achieving this goal such as going to college and working hard are thrown out as choices only made by complete idiots. _______ Background music wails hard as the last option is given, clearly there must be a way to make money beyond hard work and other logical means. Only this advertisement could possibly have the answer! The audience breathes a sigh of relief as the answer is revealed, E-COMMERCE. Yes E-COMMERCE is the 4th and obviously the best option. More random statistics geared toward alluring the audience's greed for money and freedom from work are displayed. Only a casino on drugs could match its provacative style of drawing the viewer into its arbitrary revelations of money-making get-rich-quick schemes. Soon the viewer's heart must be beating very hard, for the climax of the show is yet to come. _______ Then, unexpectedly, the suddenly sober narrator begins to describe that not all E-commerce companies have made it big just yet, as the music simultaneously shifts to a more ominous "uh-oh" tone. He quickly recovers the audience's faith however, when he quickly claims that there are yet better solutions! Despite amazon.com's less than expected profitability, the anwer lies in advertising. _______ But what is the best way to advertise? More mindless statistics are thrown in, but the winning means of advertisement causes a triumphant down-pour of hysterical "oomph that feels good"-type music. It is "by word of mouth" that a product is most successfully advertised, made most evident by the arbitrarily chosen "91%" statistic that is displayed on screen next to it. _______ Adrenalin must be pumping through the audience members' veins by this point, because the video's musical soundtrack is thrashing such a racket that it would seem the producers had just discovered the cure for cancer, AIDS, and hiccups all in one stroke of genius. The narrator, very much in love with himself and the sound of his own voice, carries on, giving this "word-of-mouth" solution a name for which to be employed by, also known as "networking", "personal correspondance", and "social affiliation." Wow, what an insight, and so it is shortly after this astounding showcase of loosely connected blurbs and dribble that the video abruptly ends, devoid of credit or logo, but for a short message stating "See the person who provided you with this video for more information."
 _______ Finally, there is a knock at the door. Sudafed eagerly opens it, and in came three more citizens in business suits. Sudafed, now closing the door from which these characters entered, points at one of them and whispers emphatically "that's the guy!" The audience is left to wonder if it should also kneel and praise a person of such high majesty. For indeed, "the guy" had arrived at last, and according to all previous talk about "the guy," Mr. Subaru was some sort of an unsung HERO, HERO with all capital letters of course. _______ And so this toothless bastard, er, this proud soldier of the successful business world shakes everyone's hand. He mentions how there was an accident on the highway and apologizes for being late. No, I'm pretty sure this is a picture of Mr. Subaru now. Maybe. _______ The roomates of our genius Mr Sudafed again remind the audience that it is critical to "keep an open mind, let Mr Subaru talk, he has a lot to say." _______ Finally, his magnificent dry-erase board is assembled upon a tripod complete with 2 black, 1 red, and 1 green marker. Initially this slick magician begins scribbling audience member names on the board. "Now, I'm not much of a public speaker, but I want to make a presentation here." Starting with the green marker, conincidentally the color most closely associated with money, he makes an extension of the video by mentioning needless slanted statistics on money and certain "EXPLODING" industries as general and broad as the "internet." The "S-curve" is mentioned for no apparent reason one or two times. Subaru: Did you know that 90% of people who work all their lives are 'broke' by the time they retire? Broke as in they don't have enough incoming money to sustain themselves? Have any of you been to a Walmart? What do you see when you go to Walmart?? Who's usually working there? With a knowing smile Kevin? Kevin: Duh, elderly people? Subaru: That's right, elderly people! Now with an even bigger smile Now, laughing could you see yourself getting married in your twenties and telling your spouse, honey let's work at Walmart when we turn 65? Kevin? Kevin: No. Subaru: No! Of course not!! Wouldn't you like to have all the free time in the world and be able to do whatever you want? Yes of course you do! I'm planning on retiring from my job a s a software engineer so that I can stay with my business here and be able to travel to India for 6 months and stay here for 6 months each year. Don't get me wrong, I like my job, but you know what happens when you work for a company? grinning They practically own you! he waits a moment, letting this great statement sink in Who wants to spend all their time working on the same thing every day? I sure don't! Are any of you in software development? Okay Patrick you are. Now let me tell you all something, for anyone who's in the engineering field. Now back when the economy was much better, you could get yourself a job starting at 80-90k, but now the average is only 35k, I'm sorry but that's a fact. Its just a fact. Okay now, let me ask you each a question. Patrick, what's one thing you'd like to have in ohh, 2 years? Patrick: A dog. Subaru: Okay, and Kevin what would you like in 2 years? Kevin: A house Subaru: Great! Lets write those down. as he vigorously scribbles these things on the board. Subaru now changes to a black marker Do any of you know what an IBO is? Its an independent business owner, you see this is how it works. You become an IBO, and start your own business, while say you work alongside Quicktart.com. Now did you know that on average you have to spend anywhere from 2 to 5 times the amount of money you'd like to be making each year, just to start your own business? Now Kevin, would you like to spend 100k just to start your own business? No! By working with say, Quicktart, you could start your own business with as little as $200.. draws circles and connects them on the board Tell me something Patrick, why are you going to college? He then switches to a red pen Patrick: To get an education. Subaru: Yes but you also want to get a job right? Patrick: Sure... Subaru: Isn't college a lot of hard work though? What if I told you there was a better way? Now most people, when they get a job they make a set rate of money right? Yes that's right, that's what's called a linear budget, you all remember "y=mx+b" don't you? Haha of course you do. Now what if you could have a curved income? This is where you are making more and more money with time. _______ Okay Patrick give me a name of one of your closest friends. he draws a large circle on the middle of the board Patrick: Eric Lindros Subaru: Okay, so we have Eric. he writes the name Eric on the board in a smaller circle next to the larger one. He then asks for more names from the audience These are real names now right? Okay good. Now you see what can happen if you refer more people to start their own business? Ok then - oh yes you have a question? Patrick: Excuse me for interrupting, but I have a study meeting with my girlfriend and our friend Eric Lindros in the library, I gotta go. Subaru: Okay great, we'll call you! Patrick then looks across the audience, each one seemingly pondering this "business opportunity." Such a shame. He feigns a great smile and gives an animated thumbs up to an even happier smiling Sudafed at the room's far side. Patrick walks out, closing the door behind him and and then laughs. This is only the beginning. Part Two of My E-Commerce Story Back to E-Commerce Story Index |